blogging for the sake of blogging

re-reading my latest entries i'm realizing a not-so-great pattern. I've been writting about nothing. Question is, do I really have nothing to write about? on the contrary. It's actually just like those awkward moments of silence you have with someone- more often than not, you have something to say, you just are having difficulty putting it into words. You just don't know where to begin.

Yes that's it. I have so much to write about that I'm almost scared to start typing for fear that I won't stop...

It's not that I have nothing to say to you... it's that I have so much that I want to say to you, I just don't know where to begin.

Well based on recent posts I've randomly thrown down into the blog whatever was around in my head. Or just answered questions that someone sent. Doesn't feel that I've really written about anything. Thing is... there's so much going on in my head that I just don't know how to organize it in any way that makes sense.

work... let's not go there
love... yeah well...I'd rather talk about work
friends... i must admit, I've got great friends. But I haven't been much of a friend. And I don't feel like blogging about my friends...

so I'll blog about not blogging.

I'm tired. I'm going to bed.

a few thoughts on this Snowy April day...

It's April. For crying out loud it's actually the middle of April. And it's snowing. Big white fluffy snowflakes. COME ON!!!!!!!!!

Dragon boat season starts in 3 weeks, baseball in 4 and it's snowing. Uh did I mention dragon boating? that's right- we are to be on the water. Outdoors. At Mooney's Bay. In three weeks. Paddling. In a boat. OUTSIDE.

other random thoughts I need to vent about:

• The Habs aren't in the playoffs. but neither are the leafs, so there's at least solice in that.
• My weekend at home was extremely bitter-sweet.
• My ankle/leg is still quite sore.
• I can't find shoes to match my dress for the gala tomorrow night.
• I have a friend going through a hard time who is slightly delusional in thinking I'm the strong one out of the two of us.
• I miss my munchkin niece who kindly over the weekend said numerous times: "I wish you lived here with us" and "I wish you were my mommy" (luckily my sister wasn't in earshot for the latter). I lovingly explained to her that I would get mad at her too sometimes like her mommy does, and the reason she loves me so much is because I'm her Aunt Becky. She also climbed on to the bed to cuddle with me, tell me she loves me and that everything was ok when I was completely convinced it wasn't.
• My cat is costing me a small fortune.
• I don't know what I'm doing.

It's still snowing.

the weekend that was

Oh hell where to begin.

The weekend that was supposed to be a nice get away- a free trip to TO (giving me full justification to do some shopping) hanging with mom in the evenings, enjoying free food and drinks in the hospitality suites (let me tell you, 500+ catholic teachers know how to party.

The trip started off bad and got worse as the weekend went on. And seriously people, I’m not exaggerating. I think I cried every day because of the crap that was thrown my way. There were so many events that I better do it in chronological order so not to forget any. And I warn you, it’s gonna be a long post…

I brought Tiffer to the vet to be boarded for the weekend as planned, and then went to work so that I can hurry up and write a huge email explaining to clients (and their managers) my research recommendations for the project that has suddenly started an evil downward spiral. With my train leaving at 12:30 I absolutely had to leave work by 11:15 at the latest. I left at 11:35. Ran home and grabbed the suitcase that was 95% packed (if you called literally throwing clothes into a suitcase “packed”). Called a cab and was put on hold, so hung up knowing full well they wouldn’t come in time. I decided to drive to the train station (which takes all of 1 minute and 45 seconds if all three sets of lights are green) and pay for the weekend parking- which wasn’t that much. I ended up thinking this was a fantastic idea since I’d then be able to pick up the cat from the vet once my train got in on Monday and head in to work for that afternoon. Seeing the train in front of me, hearing the “now boarding/Final call announcement, I ran to the station with my laptop bag over my shoulder dragging my wheeled suitcase and carry-on behind me. I enter through the sliding door and start trotting/jogging to the Panorama lounge to get my ticket. I fall. Yep wiped out completely, hearing a loud “crack” on my way down. Feeling complete agony (and embarrassment) I look at my boots to see if a heel broke. No such luck, that crack was not my boot. I look around, and go figure, NO one in the train station bothered to rush to me to see if I was ok.. Normally, I wouldn’t really mind, I mena in all honesty, most of the time I would rather everyone do as they just did and completely ignore what they just saw. However this time, I couldn’t get up. I actually needed help. Alone, I managed to shuffle my legs underneath me to get up with my “good” left leg. I hobbled with tears swelling up in my eyes to the lounge to get my ticket to then head to the train. Of course being in VIA1, it was the very first car on the train, so I had to walk/run forever. I head down the aisle to my seat and see that the drink cart has already passed my seat. As I’m passing the lady does ask did you want a drink? (lady if you knew the pain I was in, you’d leave the bottle). Due to the excruciating pain, I momentarily forgot about the amazing caesars that VIA makes. They're so good, but I ask for a glass of wine in haste. After remembering about the caesars, I down the wine and ask for one. I get a look from the VIA lady. I look back and smile. I then look for my cell phone, which is not in my purse. Considering I was going to be meeting up with 4 friends over the weekend and wondering the streets of TO alone, not having my cell phone was not ideal. Once I relax, listening to the music on my computer (oh did I forget to mention that my ipod’s battery was dead?) Right, so I feel my feet vibrate. I think WOHOO I have my phone. I look in my carry-on bag that my foot was reasting on, no cell phone. Damn must have been ‘wishful-vibrating” (that sounds so much worse than I mean hehe). About 10 minutes later, again I feel it. Ok I’m not crazy- I search through again, and lo and behold I find the cell phone wrapped in my black pashmina that I threw in my bag. PHEW I’m connected to the world. It was mom calling, she was on her train – in first class, enjoying her own Caesar- making sure I was on the train. I cried to her telling her about my ankle and that no one helped me. She kinda laughed it off, told me to have another Caesar and then we arranged who was going to go to the store across from the hotel to get the cranberry juice to go with the amaretto she was brigning.

I finally get to the hotel at 6pm, still in pain, and as I get off the elevator on the 17th floor, so did mom from the opposing elevator. I went from 27 years old to 7 years old in 2.2 seconds. The power of being around your mommy when you’re not feeling good is astounding. She took two looks at at my ankle, and made a couple calls for second opinions, and then she followed her motherly instincts and dragged her daughter kicking and screeming to the emergency room of a Toronto hospital.

7pm arrive at Mount Sinai
I gave pain rating 7 out of 10 to the triage nurse (mom then smacks me upside the head)
No pain killers
No ice pack
Beg mom to ask for ice pack
Tell nurse to change my pain rating to 12 (out of 10)
9:30pm Got in for x rays
Still no pain killers
Waiting for doctor to look at xrays
Nurse tells us the computer system is down (apparently computer glitches are the new thing) So the doctor has to go upstairs to look at the xrays
12:30 (12 hours after the accident) FINALLY GET PAINKILLERS!!!!!!!!!!
1:30 the news hit: Since the computer system is down, the doctor can’t get a clear view of the xrays. The computer system won’t be back up till 3am. They’ll give me a splint, wrap up my ankle, set me up with crutches send me back to the hotel and call me once they get the results and let me know if I need to come back for a cast.

We went back to the hotel and ordered room service at 2am. The nurse called at 6:20. It wasn’t broken. I was told to go to the doctor’s when I got back to Ottawa so I can get recommended for physio and the like. Poor mom- she had to get start working at 8:30 that morning, in front of 600 teachers.

Saturday my day was ruined. I was so high on percocet that I slept all day. I had to cancel my visits with two friends and postpone the shopping I had planned for the day. I wasn’t able to go to the Southern Hospitality suite with mom or meet and greet with new people. We had already missed the charity casino night Friday night since we were at the hospital. We went to fill the prescription and had dinner at the hotel. When we were done eating, I didn’t have the energy to use my crutches to get back to the room, so asked mom to get me the wheelchair she’s been insisting I use. Feeling so bad, we started to wonder if I should get back to Ottawa ASAP.

After over 12 hours of sleep, I felt better on Sunday. I had lunch with mom again whereby she tells me how great Stephen Lewis’ speech was. I turn to her and my mouth drops. She knew the booboo she had made. “Oh honey, I’m so sorry, I didn’t even think of it, and I totally could have gotten you in!”. Oh for crying out loud. In the elevator back to the room, we then hear stories about who met the Ottawa Senators and got their autographs- WHAT the Sens were staying at our hotel Friday night and Saturday and me on crutches and from Ottawa- did not run into any of them! I was too drugged to notice! Oh heavens!
After lunch, I ventured to the Eaton centre for an hour’s worth of shopping- it’s amazing what I can do in an hour and on crutches- I amaze myself!!!! H&M rocks!

I also got to see my old roommate Erin and met her new boyfriend. It was so great to see her again. We hung out for an hour. It was awesome.

I then had to get back to the hotel to put some ice on the ankle and get ready for the gala dinner. Luckily I was able to put the fishnets over the tensor bandage and get my foot into the cute patent-leather peep-toe shoes. With one crutch in tow, mom and I went down to the dinner. Gerard Kennedy was getting an award, so it was great to hear him speak. He’s hot. I also got to hang out with my friend Trina. Trina’s dad and my mom have known each other for YEARS. Trina and I went to high school together and whenever I get to TO, I love to hang out with her and catch up. We did so after the big dinner.

Monday morning, I head to the train station with mom’s help, only to find out that due to a CN derailment I had to take the bus from TO to Ottawa. FUN! With my crutches no less. Lovely.

Let me just say this- the VIA people- not good- from beginning to end, they weren’t helpful at all- I got more help from fellow passengers than from staff. Needless to say, they’ll be getting quite the letter from me in the next few days.

All in all it was quite the trip. It was good to see mom. Unfortunately it was overshadowed by all the crap being thrown my way.

So much for my mini-vacation!

venting required

venting for the sake of venting:

Ottawa drivers suck. Yes I know that 100 is the maximum on the 417 but come on people... it's just not safe to go under it- flow is generally 110, so you going 80 doesn't help. No wonder we have traffic jams.

Rubber-neckers also suck.

ok i swear I had more...

think think think

right- got them.

American idol contestants need to not be such cry-babies. Yes I get it, it's a big ordeal, but come on it just looks so cheesy. And face it if you suck, you know you do so suck it up and don't blubber your way through your goodbye song. We still remember that you would suck if you weren't crying

FFFFFFUUUUUUUDDDDDDDDDDGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGEEEEEEEEEEEE
are you kidding me. Sundance didn't make it, but uber-smiley Michael Jackson wannabe Sanjaya made it. The dude can't sing. Ok now I'm almost in tears- well frankly that's because my ears are already bleeding thinking of Sanjaya singing. That sux.

I also hate that I often forget (until the day before that is) to make arrangements for someone to take care of my son Tiffer (read my cat Tiffer) in my absence.

Greys Anatomy reruns. Reruns stink.

-41 degrees sucks.

work sometimes sucks.

having a cold sucks.

Having just seen the new GAP ad on TV- it sucks that Wentworth isn't in it. (let's just say their ads are working I want to buy something from the GAP- but I'll be honest, I want to by something from the GAP so that it can come in the bag that has Wentworth's picture on it so I can then make it a poster- perhaps photocopy and enlarge even- and look at it every day, and anytime I need a pick-me-up at work (which is at least every hour, on the hour).

Speaking of the Hour, it sux that George doesn't tape shows on the weekends, as I'll be in TO this weekend, moments away from the CBC building where he tapes it.

It is sad to think that the longest relationship I've been in is with my hair dresser.

The cute crush I have on my physiotherapist is ongoing. Today he called me "sleeping beauty" because I was non-stop yawning. And I'm sure he missed me when I missed my Tuesday appointment. Ok well I only hope he did. I'm getting this only from him asking me "what happened with your last session?". I need to get over this high school crush. Mind you it is harmless. As harmless as my near-obsession with Wentworth Miller.

I hate that I've gained some weight over the winter. That really sux.

I hate when call but don't leave messages.

I hate drama. Drama in the (dragon) boat, Drama on the softball field, drama at work. It's a waste of my energy. I had a boyfriend who once gave me drama, and he was a waste of my energy.

I hate not being able to nap.

I'm going to bed. I hate the fact that I have to wake up to be at work for 7 tomorrow morning.

February BLAHS

Blah blah blah blah blah...

Is it because of V-day? is it mid-winter blues? is it just cuz it's cold? Am I finally feeling the effects of having too many scheduled things on the go? Am I just not taking enough me time?

I'm having a love/hate thing with working out and the gym- I'm feeling completely unmotivated to go, however know deep down that once I get going, I'll start to feel better.

blah blah blah blah blah

I recognize that I need to snap out of this... but not sure what it's gonna take to put the spark back into my life again...

so hhhmmm let me think of things that make me happy (pardon the possibility of repetition from top ten list entry).

Peanut butter and chocolate
Tzaziki sauce
Milk
Wentworth Miller (forgive me, I'm watching Prison Break while typing this up)
JT's voice
Hockey games
my Victoria's Secret Pina Colada lip gloss (it smells and tastes yummy)
Leaving work
The perfect cup of Timmy's coffee (Large, 3 milk, 2 sugar) or My Starbucks venti non-fat latte, 2 sugar, and cinnamon sprinkled on top
U2
my duvet
Tax refunds (just figured out what I should be expecting this year)
Having conversations with friends with whom you haven't spoken in weeks/months yet it's as if you spoke just last week.
my cat's cuddle
sleeping in
cooking
wine
dancing

I hope something from this list sparks interest back into my life again...

give me a break!

Seriously, I feel like the puppy who's been kicked....

Lately it just seems it's one thing after another, and it's driving me crazy. If it's not work, it's people at work, or it's my health, or my heart, or my cat or anything- you name it.

Yesterday it was me getting to the train station heading to Montreal for a night's work and of course living close to the train station allows me great flexibility in getting there only a few minutes before needing to. That said, I didn't bother bringing a coffee, since I was going Via1 and knew that I'd pretty much have it flowing like an IV the whole way. So, I get there and the kind VIA employee asks me if i actually want to hear the bad news.

I consider myself to be a rather astute observer. Seeing the two coach buses outside and the line-up of people standing in front of a sign that said Montreal, kinda tipped me off that the morning was not off to a great start. Great. I'm taking a bus to MTL. Too bad, I wanted to get some work done (which I still ended up doing). It wasn't until I got on the bus that it hit me:

No train = no service cart = no food = no coffee.

Let me repeat. Taking the bus to Montreal and I haven't had coffee, and I'm not going to be getting my first class meal. Good thing I had that bowl of Froot Loops before I left my apartment!!!! (hey at least they're the 1/3 less sugar Froot loops).

Arrived at the hotel, and with early check-in noted, which ended up great cuz I got upgraded. Love it. No seeing as I was working int he evening, I was hoping to have a long lunch and get some quick shopping done on St. Catherine before heading to work in the evening. Given this project, that wasn't happening. After a quick bite to eat, I had to meet with my supplier at 1:30... and I would be there until 9:15. Went well.

So I get back to the hotel (across the street from work facility, which was nice) and set my cell phone alarm (actually I set for two times, 10 minutes apart just in case), and then set the clock next to the bed. I was to take the 6:30 am train back to O-town. Considering I woke up at 6:44 this morning, you can see how I think life sux. Yep that's right. But how on earth could this happen you ask? well cell phone battery ran out of juice and the alarm clock at the hotel is backwards from mine back home- instead of having the dot show for PM it shows it for AM so I ended up setting it for 5 pm and not 5 am. Oh for goodness sake! I call via to see if I can get on the 10 am train. considering the blizzard I was slightly concerned I wasn't gonna have a seat. But no such luck, via phone lines don't open till8 (very useful since there are trains that depart in the 6am hour dontcha think?). So I quickly pack my things and head to the station keeping my fingers cross that 1) there's a spot and 2) it's not going to cost me a fortune, which wouldn't be easily redeemable at work. Well I get there and yes there was room and since it was first class, despite having MISSED the train, it was still considered to be an "exchange" so it didn't cost me a thing!

Oh yeah and it's Valentine's day. I think when i go into the office I'll wear all black in protest.

TGIF my arse

Today sux.

I can't find my university ring, the ring I've worn every day since I graduated 3 years ago. I'm very upset over this. I'm sure it's somewhere at home. But it's not where it's supposed to be right now, on my finger. I feel naked and somehow vulnerable.

I left my debit card at home. Normally, not that big of deal, but I'm going out for drinks after work. I suppose I can use my credit card, but frankly I like having some cash on me.

Work is crazy.

I received sad news from a close friend of mine this morning. I'm very sad for them.

My darling niece is in the hospital today getting teeth pulled- poor thing. I wish I could be there to hug her.



I want to go home and curl up in my bed with my duvet and cry.